My MS caregiver’s conundrum: (how much) to drink or not to drink

This may sound like a foolish worry, but I am concerned that my husband, Dan, will never get drunk again.

Yes, true, he probably shouldn’t get intoxicated because of his Multiple Sclerosis. But he is only 47 years old and still has a lot of living left to do. Plus, anyone who knows Dan knows he likes to go out with friends and family to have good times with good food and, of course, a good beer.

My concern about him never getting drunk again started when his friend Gabe called him a few weeks ago. The guys were getting together to have a few beers. No big deal, right? Following Dan’s long week of work, I was all for him unwinding and destressing with some of his friends.

However, I could tell he was torn. I knew he really wanted to go, but I also knew that he always makes me his top priority. I depend on Dan for just about everything. My Multiple Sclerosis has made that our reality.

But without any hesitation, I gave him my wholehearted blessing and encouragement to grab a few beers from the fridge and go hang out with his friends. I dare say I was ready to turn my power wheelchair up and push him out the front door.



And being the thoughtful husband he is, Dan questioned me, “Are you sure?” I lovingly responded for what seemed to be the 50th time, “Go! Go be with your friends. You’ll have a great time.”

I try to be unselfish because Dan needs an escape too. He needs a release from work, from life, from his MS and from being my primary caregiver. Granted, Dan knew what he was doing when he asked me to marry him, but that was almost 16 years ago. My Multiple Sclerosis then was not the challenge it is now, but then again, neither was his. That is life with a chronic illness. Plus, drinking and Multiple Sclerosis isn’t necessarily all bad, right?

I still continually ask myself, what toll is this taking on Dan? Both mentally and physically. How is he handling all of these challenges? And I wonder if these are the concerns that those of us living with a disability worry about for our caregivers.

Should we just have faith that everything will be OK? It all will work out, so stop worrying! Then again, doesn’t that sound selfish? As usual, more questions than answers.

In the end, Dan will, of course, drink responsibly. But honestly, how much can he really unwind? Even when goes out for a few beers, he knows he can’t stay too long or risk drinking too much because I need him to be strong enough to help me make transfers in the bathroom as soon as he returns home.

Such is the life of a caregiver.

Maybe I’m just using the “never getting drunk again” as an all-encompassing example of what I see he’s giving up to be my husband. Although, when I bring up these seemingly selfish and self-conscious thoughts to Dan, he smiles and reassures me, “I’m giving up nothing. Don’t forget: I was the one who asked you to marry me.”

True, Dan Digmann.

Sometimes, I still need that reminder. This is marriage and Multiple Sclerosis. And as much as it’s me, it’s my disease. Rather than think about what he’s “giving up” (which is wasted energy), I should focus on being the best and strongest me I can be for him.

Besides, at our age, hangovers really aren’t worth it 😉